Last night’s appearance by Stolmy Pimental had social media abuzz about the quality of his name.  This made me think; if we were to make a Rangers starting lineup based solely on the quality of the players name, what would it look like?

Did I just waste two hours at work putting together a current Rangers All-Name team?  You bet I did. 

Do I have anything better to do with my life?  I wish.  Will the randomness of my search history lead to the termination of my employment?  Fair chance.

Without further ado, here are the Texas Rangers All-Name teams.  Enjoy.

Current Ranger All-Name Team

(Combination of all MLB and MiLB Rangers players)

C- Yohel Pozo.  I’m pretty sure this was a soup I ordered after having six margaritas.

1B- Rock Shoulders.  This might be my favorite name ever.  I would easily believe that this Rule 5 pick was a super hero or an adult film star before I figured out he was a baseball player.  Did Key and Peele name this guy?

2B- Rougned Odor.  Which one?  You decide. We’ve got two of them.

SS- Yeyson Yrizzari.  It’s not Jayson. “It might be a soft J. I'm not sure. It's supposed to be wild.”- Ron Burgundy.

3B- Guilder Alfredo Rodríguez Pérez.  You can’t even pretend that the first thing that came to your head when you read that name wasn’t “I bet he’s a ladies man”. 

OF- Nomar Shamir Jaminian Mazara.   The Red Sox had to trade MLB’s first Nomar to end the Curse of the Great Bambino.  I sure hope the current Rangers curse does not require a sacrificial Nomar, because this one is going to be awesome for a long time.

OF-Yimmelvyn Alonzo.  High leg kick, flashy free swinger with a name to match.  Say it with me, “Ya-mel-vin”.  I like it.

OF- Shin-soo Choo.   Rangers fans have him through 2020, let’s hope we get some joy from him other than just saying his name.

DH- Prince Fielder.  It’s funny how numb we have become to how awesome of a name Prince Fielder truly is.  He is the son of baseball royalty and he is a fielder.  That would be like my parents naming me Peasant Hackwriter.

SP- Nerfy Nunez.   Alliteration paired with the memory of childhood toys. 

RP- Keone Kela.  He speaks Hawaiian Pigin.  I am not sure what that means, but now I want to surf and eat seafood with this guy.

Who did I miss?  Feel free to add your favorites in the comment section.